I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
