help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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