My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
