I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
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