life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
