you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
