I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I need moral support for this bender
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
