and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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