So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
