Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
