So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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