having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
