just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
