dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Duck Duck Cougar?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
