I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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