I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
