i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
