you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
