i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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