i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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