Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
