but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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