So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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