I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
