The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
