I've blown a few things in my day
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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