i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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