I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
