wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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