Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
