i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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