Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
