I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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