Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
