Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
