he told me I talked like a deaf person
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
