I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
