he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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