The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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