I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
