He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
