Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
