i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Send help, water and tortillas.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
