I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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