So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
