Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
