he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
