JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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