I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
