I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
