My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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