Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
