Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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