Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
